To follow Christ is to be called each day to love one another as we are loved. Yet it is so easy for our motivations to become mixed and our attempts to show love become disempowering where we try to fix things for others, give advice, or ‘sort them out.’
The power of skillful pastoral care lies in being aware of ourselves and able to lay aside what we think we know, leave our judgments behind and acknowledge that the other is a mystery to us. When we do this, deep listening can occur. When we truly hear one another, we begin to also truly see one and communicate the immense hope and promise of God that we are not alone.
The poem below by an unknown author captures the essence and healing potential of true pastoral care.
Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people – because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try
to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you.
- Author Unknown
